PS 1774 
.H45 C6 
1857 
Copy 1 




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i 






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THE MINOR DRAMA. 

No. CXVII. 



COPiOKER'S MQUISITION. 

A FARCE, 



IN ONE ACT. 



A^OAKEY HALL. 



AS PERFORMED AT BURTON 8 THEATRE. 



NEW YORK: 

SAMUEL FKEKCH, 
122 Nassau-Street, (up stairs.) 



CAST OF CHARACTERS.— (A Coroner's IxQcisiTiox.)' 

Burton's Theatre. 
GREGORY GRIGGS— Innkeeper, and one of lier 

Maji'sty's Coroners for the County of Slopley Mr. M. Smith. 

SIR WILLIAM FLUMMER, Bakt. (in dtsgnm.) Mr. Kivinford. 

FRANK PLUMMEIl, M. D.— A village doctor, and 

his nephew Mr. Holmau. 

CURRAN-O'ROOLEY— Alaw clerk . . . Mr. Moore. 

SIMON DOBBS— Au ostler .... Mr. Bishop. 

BAILIFF Mr. Lawson. 

TREMBLES Mr. Gourley. 

MILLICENT (or BTiUif) GRIGGS— Daughter of G. G. 

and affianced to Dr. P. .... Miss Florence. 

JENNY— Servant Miss Charles. 

NEIGHBORS, VILLAGERS, (male and female). 

SCENE— First in London, and then at the Village of Sloppertou, 



Time — From sunrise to 10 o'clock. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



L. means First Entrance, Ijtft. E. Fin^t Entrance, Right. S. E. L. Sec- 
ond Entrance, Left. S. E. R. Second Entrance, Right. U. E. L. Upper En- 
trance. Left. U. E. R. Upper Entrance. Right. C. Centre. L. C. Left of 
Centre. R. C. Right of Centre. T. E. L. Third Entrance, Left. T.E. R. 
Third Entrance, Right C. D. Ct.ntre Door. I). R. Door Right. D. L. 
Door Left. U. D. L. Upper Door, Left. U. D. R. Ipper Door, Right. 

*,* The re-^der is supposed to be on the Stage, facing the Audience. 

'7 •> 



COEONEE'S INQUISITION. 



ScEXE I. — Outer room in Railway Station in London. Time, just before 
daylight. 

loiter Gkkgouy Gkiggs, attired for an early start. October morning— large 
shaivl about neck, and portmanteau. 

G. G, [puffifig.} Aha ! I am not late. I said to myself, Griggs, my 
boy, don't hurry. I did no< hurry ! [Puffing.] I never do hurry, and 
I 0771 in time. Bah ! There wan plenty of it at the start. To tell me 
otherwise was only a dodge on the part of that rascally landlord to 
get me to ride, and put a half crown more into the pocket of some 
confederate. I'm an innkeeper myself these twenty years, and know 
all about the rascalities practised in London, and M'hich we in the pro- 
vinces never copy. I quarrelled with that landlord. I told him I 
would be in time, and I am. [ Yaiais.'] It's very early. No passen- 
gers yet, and the clock of the station, as I came through, gives us a 
quarter. [ Yawns.] I slept badly. In every nuise I detected a new 
murder ; and I'm sure I heard no less than three distinct cases of gar- 
roters in the street under my window. And they say early morning is 
favorable to garroters. [Looks terrified.] It's the early jail-bird which 
catches the gentleman worm! "The Globe" says garroters are fear- 
fully on the increase ; and the " Court Journal " adds that the prevail- 
ing style of collars exhibits necks to advantage, and invites crime. 
Now, I've a beau - - u - - tiful neck somewhere under this wrapper. 
[Feels shaivl] Aha! They couldn't garrote me in this shape! If all 
they say is true, what a sweet place the coroner here must have. I 
wonder if he does his duty ? I've been doing mine, in my mind's eye, 
ever since 1 had my certilicate of appointment yesterday, countersigned 
by the thirty-second clerk to Her Gracious Majesty's eighteenth assis- 
tant to the principal deputy of the Circumlocution office of the Home 
Depai'iraeut. What a sweet corpse that same clerk would have made 1 
Set on him ! Wliy there was a breadth of form and a repose of ofBcial 
elegance about him to give room for a jury of twenty ! That reminds 
jne— I wonder if my commission is safe? [Feels in his portmanteau.] 
That's it — no, it's my hair-brush ! Here— no. that's my horseshoe, for 
good luck ! This — no, it's my patent bootjack. Now we — no, it's my 

3 



4 A coroner's inquisition. 

brandy-flask. [Takes a pull "] That's the fort to keep even a coroner 
alive. " Never say die" when that is full ! Here's the precious docu- 
ment. [Produces a /leavi/ roll of parchinent.} No passengers yet, and 
I'll amuse myself once more inspecting my credentials. What a breadth 
of authority ! [Reads.] " To all (that is to every person in the world) 
to w liom these presents — (Her Majesty's present ! Beautiful and poet- 
ical idea !) — shall come, Greeting." (Her Majesty's greetings to me!) 
[Inierrvpted by a noise behind, as if of some one crossing the stage. Looks 
around.'] This is too precious a document to be seen by everybody, and 
waste its fragrance on the morning air. [Is rolling it up,] 

Enter Curran O'Roolet, K. equipped for travel. Sees G. G. 

C. O'R. Rural ! Twig his neck build ! 

G. G. [Hearing I'lsi u-ord, ajid alarmed.^ Neck build ! Good heavens! 
it is a garroter ! [Prepares to move ] 

C. 0''R. [Aside.] Looks like a travelling agent for country factory. 
Large parclnnent with red seal. New patent, or diploma from the Ex- 
hibition. [Aloud.] Ahem ! 

G. G. Turning fiercely. Stand off there, you sir ! I know you ! 

C. O^R [Advancing ] Pooh ! Pooh ! Don't be alarmed. You're a 
passenger, ain't you ? 

G. G. What's that to you ? Stand off ! 

C. O'R. Wliy, I'm oue too. So are you. Carpet-bag says so — neck 
build — all that. How far are we going day-day — eh? 

G.G Nick build! 1 did hear aright! He's a confidence man. 
But I'm alive. 

C. O^R. I say, old fellow, what's the time ? 

G. G. Wanfs a grab at my watch ! Look at the clock — that 'II tell 
you. 

C. O-R. Independent cove, this ! Wonder if he ain't a dead head? 

C. 6'. Dead head ! Lord ! I'm off ! Going. Clock strikes six. •' 

C. O'R. In time. Faith, you guess well. Only five more minutes. 
We'll have a light train. D'ye know where Siopperton station is? 

G. G. 1 see a respectable man approaching, and I'll beard this fel- 
low. 1 should think I did. I've been Checks. But he may be 

pump"u)g me. I — I — ves, I've been there. 

a O'R. Oh ! And'how far might it be ? 

G. G. It might be as far as the Highlands or the Isle of Skye, where 
puppies come trom 

C. O'R. Only it arn't. Ha, ha ! Old fellow, you're a rum one. 
EiitiT Sir Wiixiam Plummer, l. 

G. G. A.iide. Now I've an ally ! Sir, do you know who you call 
a rum one? Are you aware? Cau you understand? Do you appre- 
ciate who you address? 

C. O'R. No ; damme, and it's just what I'd like to find out ! 

G. G. Know then, sir. that I am one of her Majesty's 

Sir W., interrupting. My wortiiy friend, how far is the Siopperton 
station ? 



A CORONER S INQUISITION. 

C. O'R. It's no use. Don't ask liim. I've tried it. He's as mum 
and myslerious as the ?phinx! 

G. G. {looJiivg datjgers at C. O'E."] Sir! there is a v;'st difference 
between you and others. [TFa^As <iu-ay a i>te]>.'\ It appears to me 
everybody is going to Slopperton. [^Tukes Sir W.'s arm, and they retire 
up, wliispering .'] 

C. OR. Rum chap ! one of Iler Majesty's something or another ; 
perhaps a tiavelling detective. H; looks stupid and loggy enough 
for one. That other chap is going to same place. \_Takes out a htter.'] 
Perhaps he'd take it. But no ; the liim said I vvas to deliver it in 
propria pemma. Wretched bore, too. just as the club gave its first 
supper, [/t'cuc/.s] For Frank I'lumnier, M.D. I'd give a sovereign to 
know what it's about ! 

Tlxy return. 

Sir W. I think your fears are unfounded. He looks honest. 

G. G. So they all do. But pump him. 

[C. OK. drops leller. ivliich Sir W. picks up and reads superscript ion.'\ 

Sir W. What Ibr, Fiauk? Oho ! this must be the law cleik, con- 
veying to him the tidings. How lucky ! We go together. 
[Returns le!ier.'\ 

C. O'R. Time's up. Oh ! Thank you. Shouldn't like to have lost 
it. [Reads aloud] Now I'll not forget the name, if I should drop it. 
[Exeunt v. and Sir B .] 

G. G. [goiiJff.] Frank ! eh ? Both going to Slopperton ? I see. I 
^7!«t' that young 'scape-gi ace of a surgeon was coming to no good. 
A sheriff's officer perhaps. I'll take another carriage from both of 
them, and watch. 

I}eil rings. 

I hope there'll be no accident. I couldn't hold an inquest out of 
my ' bailey-wick.' It would be a dreadful thing to have a coioner 
smashed, — one of Iler Majesty's coroners ! and some other coroner 
hold a "quest over him ! Dreadful ! 

JJ< II rings and exit in a hurry. 

ScENK n. — Wood scene on a drrp. Futh. Filter Frank Flumer tvith 
two men carrying a heavy bag. 

Frank V. You're as sl<;w as the new comet, my men. I worked 
too laie on that subject and the peoi)ie '11 be astir before he's under 
ground again. 

[They stop to breathe.'] 
Come on. You know what a row this would make if it's known. 

\sl Man. Row indeed, master ; but it aint hanging is it? 

2nd Man. He's a heavy 'nn to drag. 

Frank P. Move on. Hanging! Oh no. Only a fine at best. I 
may as well owe the Magislrate as any one else. No damage to be 
feared. He was only a pauper, but his erysipehis in the head was a 
curious case. There ! now you've rested, and if you meet any one 
deposit it in the copse by Gregory Griggs' turnstile until night-fall. 



b A coroner's inquisition. . ■;:.': 

1st 3f<m. All right, Bob. 

2nd Man. We'll keep a brave lookout, you know. 
Exeunt men. 

Frank solus. Aye. pay the fine, and where's the money to come 
from. If it wasn't for love of science and love of dear Milly I should 
go crazy Once my name is up in science and then welcome wealth 
greatness and love triumphant. What a dear, darling face she has. 
How it haunted my dreams. But the pauper's face is a queer one ; 
I dissected all the nerves and arteries of his head. He would'nt 
know himself. It would puzzle the town beadle to recognize him 
now. He had hair just like mine. 

[/s going off — meets Millicent Griggs."] 

Frank. Confusion ! why Milly — you here? 

Milbj. And why not! Good morning to you, my darling Frank. 
I congratulate you on your early rising and your improving habits. 

Frank. Can slie suspect ? But 7jou — you are abroad early. 

Mdly. 1 promised dear papa to meet him at the station. He 
comes down by the drst train, and now you'll go too. To tell you 
the truth I saw from the knoll two very ill-looking fellows carrying 
a bag. They had a very hangdog look. 

Frank. To tell hev would be to excite disgust, [a«(We.] Oh, 
merely some millers' men early astir. Of course I will go with you. 
But I can't meet your father. 

Milly. The very time ! He will be In a sweet humor for he's 
been to get sworn in as Coroner. 

Frank. Ha, ha ! A Coroner. Your father the Coroner ! AVhat 
a jewel of a son-in-law I should be at inquests cutting and carving, 
and pocketing post-mortem fees by the busliel ! 

Mdly. That's right, noio you're in a good humor. Come with me 
and we shall melt his heart yet. [Exeunt R. to E. 

[Reenter men R. to E.] 

1st man. The passengers from the train came up too quietly, Bob. 

2nd Man. It's sale in the copse Lho'. It's a bad job. If the doc- 
tor hadn't cured I of the agay, I wouldn't have touched the business. 
Hark ! s;)me one comes. {'fhey steal off, l. to E. 

Enttr Simon running — nearly knocks down Sir W. who enters at other side. 
11. to E. 

Sir W. Take care, my man. 

Simon Bug pardon, yer honor, I'se behind time. Mayhap you 
fame by the train ? 

Sir iv. Yes, my good lad, I walked on before the rest. 

Si/iion. You saw Maister, nr.iyhnp, and Miss Milly. 

Sir W. Havii't the honor of their acquaintance. How far is it 
totlielun? Whtcli lun is the best? Here take my bag. There's 
half a crown. Can't you answer ? 

Simon. Why, you talk as fast as the locomoshun runs. Why I 
keeps the lun, I means the Inn keeps I and master both. Maister 



A CORONER S INQUISITION. 7 

keeps the Inn, I means the Inn keeps I and master both. Maister 
Griggs, at your service. 

Sv W. Griggs, laside] why that was the name of the timid gen- 
tleman. He keeps an lun. I thought by his talk he was a Member 
of Parliament. Cut I'll on. 

Simon. I'll 1x3 aloug presently with the bag. Must see Maister 
first. Turn to the rijiht at the hill : — sign of the Mule and Magpie. 
Thank yer honor. IPocMs kalf-erown.'] 
Exil R. 22. 

Sir W., going. Mule and Magpie? Queer name that ; very like 

Frank's nonsense. I dare say he lives there, practising on drovers, 

graziers and dairy-maids. Queer mixture that boy was of waggery, 

industry and atfoction. I wonder how he"ll take the news. 

Exit. L. u. 

Enter G. G., and MnxY G. R. 2. 

G. G. I hope you'll behave as becomes my daughter. Let the 
parish surgeon alone. How dare he hang about you so ? How dare 
he follow you to the Station ? 

Mdly. E. Ob. father, don't lie so very, ixry cross ; and you a cor- 
oner too, and al! of us so proud of your promotion ! 

{?. G.. aside. There she comes : just as her mother afore her used 
to, with her soft soap. Ah-hum. I'm a little out of sorts. Travelling 
don't agree with me. Got up too early. Could not sleep forty winks, 
tny dear : what with guarding the blessed commission which has 
one of Her Majesty's presents under my pillov.% and hearing garroters 
shrieking all night — I mean their horrid victims? 

MiUt/. Are you sure, dear father, it was not the cats ? 

G. G. E., irith dignity. Cats 1 Ca-a-ts ! There's a woman all over. 
Everything's cats. Plates broken, — caU; victuals gone, — cats; new 
dresses torn, — c(/t5. Cats, my love, are feline animals — not humans — 
like g:irroters. With all the responsibilities of my position as coroner, 
with Iler Majesty's presents weighing me down, I repeat it was not 
cats, but garroters. 

3ldly, pulling /urn along. But thea you know, father, cats are garrei- 
crsJ 11a, ha! 

G. G. This levity is positively abominable. Do you know what it 
is to have your neck in jeopardy? Jeopardy ! There's a corouer- 
ial word for you ! Exeunt a la Burton. L. to K. 

Eii/^r Curhan O'E and P^kaxe, holding a letter. 

C. O'R. Curious, you should be the first man I met. Bedad whether 
the Iftter puts you in luck or not, I am ; for I shall take the noon 
train and your answer back to the club dinner. 

Frank I'. Take my answer back to the chib dinner? 

C. OR. No bother. Its myself will go to the club dinner : but the 
answer will go to the respectable firm of Snoakem and Brokeam, so- 
licitors, Ac , &c., who will put you on file — I mean your answer — 
Just as the cook trusses a goose. 



O A CORONEU'S INQUISITION. 

Frank P. has been turimig over the ietter abstractedly. 

Frank P., aside. Some dun, I suppose, ou the old score : or perhaps 
a uote liom the publisher, refusiiif; my valufblu contribution to 
medical science on the subject of the diseases of the spleen in unborn 
infants. But here goes. 

C O'R. That's rij; it ; dive iaf.o it like a man of pluck. \_Aside.'\ 
I'm half dead to know what's it about, for old Smokeam is so mys- 
terious. \_Frank is reading.'] And bedad I'm entitled, as a matter of 
post-boy etiquelie, to know what's it about ; for every post-man,— 
from Sir James Graham down to the Hiugham mistress — takes toll 
from every billet-doux in the kingdom. 

Frank retires up agitated. 
A flustratioa letter. I knew it from the size and envelope. Little 
note size is sauciuess ; a trille larger, slyness ; folio is importance ; 
quarto, fiustration, and folio no. 8 is humbug given to diplomatic ink 
and lying goose quills. 

Frank P., returning and giving hand. There — I see you are to re- 
ceive my conlldence. I will meet you at the Inn in a half hour — • 
Mule and Magpie — first turn on the hill, where I will consult with 
you. 

C. O'R. That's the figure ! yidde.] A con- sul-ta-tion, [what, 
about ; hanged if I know.] Sir, at your service. Keep quiet. Mum 
you know. Mule and Magpie, in half an hour I 

Exit. L. to E. 

Frank P. What does he mean? Does he know all ? The letter 
says not. \_Takes it, and retires reading.] He was a dear old man. 
What happiness! /SAe— dear — dear Milly will be mine 
Re-enter Sir W. P. l. lo K. 

Sir W. P. The clown misled me, and has my luggage. {^Sees 
Frank.] Ah ! it is he — reading the letter. He seems sad ! lie is 
not cold heart 'd. Good morning, sir. 

Frank P. Excuse me, sir, but I'm not in the mood for talking. 
\_Wulking.] 

Sir W. He is not glad to hear of it. But — but I will postpone my 
talk to the Lia. [Looks off'.] Ah ! yonder is the booby beckoning. 
This time I shall be right". 

Enter SiMON. 

Simon. Missed Maistcr "by the Utile turn. Now, sir, follow me, 
and I'll put you there in a leg trot. [Exeunt. 11.] 

Frank I'., miixes and iculks. This is a quiet vilkige no longer. Some 

impertinent, prying. stranger, just as my attention was arrested 

A BaLiff has come in. u. to K. 

Baiiff. Just so — arrested — the very word, my boy. [Pulls out 
ivrit.] And /am the prying stranger. Who's a better riglit ? £^9 
7s. od. at suit of Druggem and Borax, chemists. Beg pardon, but 
you mast go with me. 



A coroner's inquisition. 9 

Frank P. Arrested ! The Devil ! 

Badijf. Arretted certainly— but not the devil. Bailiff Panks at 
your service. [Freseitts card-l " Cool apartments and light charges 
until llie little things are arranged !" 

Frank P. But the letter and the enclosure ! Yeiterday this 
would have be>'U a blow. I will accompany you, sir, to the village 
and arrange it. 

Bailiff. Now you talk sen.se ! But when it's •' prying stranger," 
and ■' the devil, ■' you know that's scandal. * 

Frank P. Follow ! 

Bailiff'. Follow ? By the old Marshalsea but that's a good 'un. 
It's !/ou who are to follow. \_EieHnt u. to E* 

ScbNK III. — Skjii of Mule and Magpie. House at .sid-e — o/jen country be- 

hind and a fence and y<tie to hiyk road. Table set for breakfast. 6r. G. 

at breakfast with Mtlly. and Jenny waiting. 

G. G. Ves, ./eniiy, ImoutJifuU}, my good girl [ shall retain yoa 
at your accu.-loaied avocation. lAside.] Avocation that's the very 
word ; ilcr Maj-sty's j)reMUts speak of, and the very word, Her 
Majesty's 32d Deputy Gierk in the Circumlocution-office used. No, 
Jenny. I ui not proud if I am a Coroner. Do your duty ! 

Mdly. More coUee, father. 

G. G. Thank you, dear, I'm very peckish this morning and 
couldn't wait for the others. Do your duty, Jenny, as you've al- 
ways done it since your dear mistress died, and you shall never 
want. 

Jmny. \Ciutseying\. Thank your worship ! 
[Go&s in house — L. to E.] 

G. G. Your worship ! Worsiiip ! How nice it sounds. Its far 
sweeter than the chinks of Her Majesty's sovereigns on Bank day I 
Your Worshi(> ! 1 feel the lirst drunken moments of intoxicated 
greatness. 1 stand on an Kgyi)lian pyramid of greatness. Milly, 
my dear — Miss Griggs, there are strangers to arrive. Pray go in 
and array yourself to receive them. 

Mdly. What airs have got into dear father's head? Oh! if 
Frank would but come whilst he's in high humor. 
\_Exit into home — i..] 

G. G. I tread over catacombs of greatness. Your worship ! 
Coroner! What's to prevent my being Sheriff next— and then a 
Baronet — perhaps a lord ! Oh Lord ! it makes me dizzy to think 
of it. What if luck slionld help me ? What if some dark, horrid 
and mysterious tragedy should occur at my very threshold — some 
murder that >iiouid battle the unbandaged eye of justice itself and 
/—Coroner Giiggs— should torrit it out, my fortune would be made. 
And my daughter to lower herself to a parish surgeon— a work- 
house jawbones — a griller to grave-yards. Why, she shall marry a 
Duke, and the Lord Chancellor, on the woolsack, shall join their 
Lands. \_Enter Simon Lobb in terror. — R. to £. 



10 A coroner's inquisition. 

Sh}ion. Oh ! Master Gregory ! Master Griggs ! Oil dear ! Oh 
dear. 

G. G. Wliafs the matter? Have you been garroted ? and doivt 
Gregory me, if you ph-ase, or the neighbors will hear you. Call 
lu^' Sijuire, anything but Gregory. Dou't you know I'm a Coronei- ! 

11 Cor-o-ner, Simon ! 

Simon. Oh, i)ut Maister ! I'm out of my mind — it's so horrid. 

G. G. Horrid, you fool. Speak ! what do you mean. He has 
been garroted— his voice is reedy like a chimney swallow's, and his 
eyes swell. What's the matter? 

Simon. [^Chattering']. Murder's the matter ! 

G. G. [Takes a chair']. I knew it. I said so. I stand on — no, I 
mean, I sit on an Egyptian pyramid of greatness. Murder I Of 
course ; and some horrid, dark, mysterious murder that no one 
knows of, neither the dead man nor the one who did it. 

Simon. Yes, mairter. and in a bag ; and such a sight. I was 
with tlie strange gentleman and he sent me back for his nuibrellato 
the station ; and I thought I'd take a cross cut and I came across 
it. and it's in a bag, and the head's a jelly, and there's been murder 
and the strange gentleman 's didn't meet me and 

G. G. Stop, stop. You're wasting a depositio'n. Run for a jury. 
I feel that I'm a Coroner every inch. Ring the church-bell ; no 
stop. Alarm the village ; no don't. See Farmer Dobbins. Get the 
Beadle. What a streak of luck! And them horrid strangers at the 
station. Dark murder of course ! Tie up the liag. Put my seal on 
it. I put the seal of silence on the mouth of the bag. Run for a 
jury. [Exit Simon — k. to K. 

Enter C. O'R. R. to E. 

C.O^R. "Run for a jury !" What an extraordinary idea! [G. G 
is striding up and down, vniltcriitg.] I've heard of striking a jury, and 
of struck jurors ; but — running for one ! The fellow's mad. By all 
the blood of justices, it's my travelling friend, and one of Her Ma- 
jesty's — something. I'll twig him. Hallo, fellow passenger ! 

G. G.. turning. Stand off. 1 know you, sir. 

C. O'R. So you said this morning. 

G.G. And I say it again. I ondon knows you, sir. Slopperton 
shall know you — Murderer! ]\[-u-r-d-e-r-er ! 

C. O'R. Sir ! oh. the fellow is certainly crazy. Mule and Mag- 
pie — this is the place to meet at. [Looks up at sign.] 

G. G., comes toicnrd hm, and in a Ivivvoice. Bag — early train — sus- 
picious character — murder — I must arrest you. 
C. O'R. sits down and lau.ghs. 

G. G. Heartless wretch ! This is the murderer, without doubt. 
It's wonderful how being a coroner quickens one's appreciation of 
character. It won't do, sir. You'd better not try your tricks on me. 

C. O'R. This is comical. It's better than a MS. farce. 

G. G. Heartless ! Dark and mysterious assassin, the coroner will 



A coroner's inquisition. 11 

Lave no f-arce about il. It will be a solemn matter in his bands. 
Some soul bas just goae, sir, in a bag, a bloody bag ! to that undis- 
covered country, from wbich no traveller as ever was born ever 
returns. 

C- O'R. Well, and wbat's tbat to me ? Is there a reward offered ? 

G. O. No need for it. The murderer of that soul is known. 

C. O'R. So much the more reason for the reward. It's a safe thing 
to oiler. 

G. G. And you are he ! 

C. O'K. You don't mean to say that I'm suspected ? Why, where'a 
the corpus delicti. What's murdered ? Who's murdered ? Vou've 
got to tiad something first. 

G. G. It IS found. None of your mysterious trifling about corpses 
delicii. It's a coming, in a bag. 

C. O'K. Bag — bag. Oh, 1 remember hearing two ill-looking fel- 
lows with one, as I . 

G. G. Stop ! On the authority of the coroner, I command you. 
No confession yet. They're premature. It's wrong. Don't com- 
mit yourself. J'll do the committing. 

L. E. D. Enter }\\\An, crying hnd sohhing, from house. 

Milly. Oh, father, father— it is — it is. I've been down the lane 
I've heard all. This letter, picked up on the road. He's dead ; 
he's murdered. 

\_Faints in the arms of C. O'li., ivho has run to /(cr.] 

C. OR. What a charming adventure ! 

G. G. Stand ott", nuirderer ! Let not those gory hands embrace 
innocence ! \_Ta];es her away.'] 

C. O'R. What an adventure for a club dinner! 
Noise of a crowd. Enter Simon ivith two men carrying a bag. Jurors and 

vdlaijers. 

\sl Neighbor. A sorry sight this bo, Master Griggs ! 

2d Neighbor. It lay in the turnstile copse l>y the road. 

3rf Neighbor. It be a I'resh corpse and woefully mangled. 
\They gather around it, and 3Iilly has revived and sits sobbing in a chair."] 

G. G. to C. O'R. Approach and behold your victim. 
[All start at him.} 

C. O'R. J/y victim! Bt.holdhira? Faitli. I'd have to have the 
sight of a millstone gazer to see through that ugly canvas. 
[Stoops.] 

G. G. [Aside.] I'll make him touch the body and perhaps it will 
bleed. Put your hand on it. 

0. O'R. With ail my heart. It's a lumpish thing. Feels like a 
gutta-percha sea-serpent. 

G. G. What shocking levity ! 

All. Shocking ! [in chorus.] 

a O'R. Hold a bit. I'll cut the neck 



1 12 A coroner's inquisition. 

All. Cut the neck ! Oh ! Oh ! 

C. O'R. And lot the cat out of (he bag. I've let many a cat out 
before to-day. 

[All close around it.'\ 

Simon. Oh poor doctor. 

Milli/. Doctor ! It ii hn then indeed ! . IFaints. 

[ Women close around her. 

Simon. But don't take on f^o, Miss ! 

G. G. [Aside.'] I may as well say it now he's dead. Yes frifnds 
he was to have been my fion-in law. But this is all irregular. I 
must get my jury. Now then stand and look once more and then 
to liU'^iness. 

1st Neighbor. The face is shockingly disfigured, but then it is his 
hair. 

2d Neighbor. And his neck and the dint on it, too ! 

Simon. Stripped of all his clothes. Done iu au hour's time, too. 
Oil. the bniti- ! 

C. O'R. I'll off. and enquire into this. [Goes uj>. 

G.G. Seizphim! Stand! 

[Tk-o Bailiffs collar him.} 

a O'R. But— but— 

G.G. No " ))ut '' about it. You've murdered the Dr. and that's 
the long and shoit of it. S« aiclj hitu. 

[Tlieg produce an cnvchrpe direcieel to Frank Vlummcr, M. D.} 

G. G. Proof positive. [Reads.'] 

C. OR That's only the envelope. I must have mechanically 
pocketed it. [J.s/(/e.] 

G. G. Onli/ the envelope. Where's the inside ? 

C. O'R. He's got it. Took it away. 

Simon. Tiie lying wretch. 

C. O'R. This is provoking. That isn't the Doctor. Humbug! 
it's au old corpse. 

G.G. Silence! I'll commit you for contempt. Now then, you 
women take my daughter. Neighbor Dobbins hold on to the pris- 
oner. Simon, bring pen and ink. I'll empanel a jury. Take seats 
there. [lie siU, eind daughter is taken in while Simon returns icilh pen 
and ink.] I'll show you what's law. Cruwner's quest law. Drag 
the bag one side. Now we have it. S;mon.~, Punker, Timpson, 
Briggs, Wil.^on, Dobljins, there's f-ix of you ; you'll be the jury. 

C. O'R. Taint legal. Damme, if you're to su>pi'ct me you shall 
do it legally. 

G.G. [Writes.] Put it down strong. Griggs, that's your sort. 
Swears '• Damme." and says L<; suspects himself! 

C. O'R. I'm a lawyer, too. I'ui that down. 

G. G. [ Writes ] Says he's a lawyer too. His own lawyer. Has 
a fool for a client. 

[1st neighbor irhispers to G. G.] 



A coroner's inquisition. 13 

G. O. Rigbt. Quite right. Gentlemen, I will swear you. Hold 
up your bands. [^Theij hold up.'] You do solemnly swear in tbe pre- 
sence of Gregory Griggs, just and true inquisition to make of all, 
every, singular and plural, whatever may he done or said touching 
this "body in the bag of Dr. Frank Plummer. and of this luifortu- 
nate murderer here as to how he was killed, and who it was, of his 
own peculiar malice aforethought inllicted, and did the homicidal 
stab ; so help you Her Blessed Majesty. 

All Jurors. We swear ! 

G. OR. It's all wrong. That's no oath, damme. It's nonsensi- 
cal. 

G.G. Murderer! Don't swear. I'll do the swearing. The jury 
will swear. It's our duty ! Who's the lirst witness ? 

Simon, /found the body. 

G. G. True ! and the bag. Now Simon you're a good young 
man. Do you know 'the value of au oath? 

Simon. As my grandmother taught me, please sir, I do. 

G. G. Then as your Grandmother taught you I charge you to 
tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, with full 
particulars. 

Sunun. I s\vear. llland up.] 

C. O'R. Where's your Bible ? It aint legal. You've no Bible. 

G. G. Murderer! be silent. We have three in the house. But 
they shall not be profaned by any such proceedings as these. 

Jurors. \_Approvingbj.'\ Right Mr. Corouer, and we forbid inter- 
ruptions. 

G. G. You hear. The jury are sagacious. They forbid inter- 
ruptions. Now Simon Lolib what is your name ? 

Simo?i. True for you there, Master, and that's it just. 

G. G Simon Lobb [_tcrites] a just name, and he is thirty years old 
next Michaelmas. 

Simon. And not an hour shorter ! 

G. G. [ Wriiiriff.] Michaelmas and not an hour shorter ; and 
Simon, I'll add '• has bueu a good boy all his life." 

Simmt. Thank 'ee sir! 

C. D'Ji. [Aaiile.'] This is infamous. I protest. I shall lose tbe 
train. And he don't come. This is some plot. Oh, that cursed 
letter. 

G. G. What does he say? Dobbins, watch the prisoner. He 
mustn't confess. Now Simon, tell your story. 

Simon. I'd a been to the station and missed you, and I saw a 
stranger 

G. G. This man ? 

Simon, Another! 

G. G. Another stranger ? There's two of 'em. This is a double 
mystery. Where ? 

Simon. In the copse road. He gave me his porty-mauter and 



14 A coroner's inquisition. 

said he would be up to the Inu. He asked for Dr. Frank and 
asked about him. 

C. O'R. 'Tis he ! I see. Maybe he is murdered. Stop! I'll tell 
you something. 

G. G. Sileuce ! Didn't I tell you there was no time for confes- 
sions yet. Go on, Simou. 

Simon. He missed his way. I saw the doctor with a letter, and 
the stranger man way talking to him. But we corned away to- 
gether. I mean I went back, and that's the last I seed of him un- 
til on the cross cut I saw tlie bag in the copse and 

G. G. Stop, I can't write so fast. This is important " bag in the 
copse •" \_writcs'\ 

Simon. And the Dr — oh, poor dear gentleman — in it. 

G. G. Very satisfactory. There Simon, you came out finely that 
time. You're a model witness. Gentlemen, that is satisfactory ! 

A Voice, [trembles'] But Squire are you sure iVs th^ doctor? 

G. G. Silence ! Who's that disturber of the Court? 

1st Neighbor. Please sir, it's Toodles. 

G. G. Toodles! stand forth. Toodles, you're a drunken beast. 
Wliat do you mean l)y disturbing the solemnity of these proceed- 
ings. iSure it's the Doctor ! ]f7io doubts it? Who dare say that 
the body in that bag is not the body of Dr. Frank Flummer, my son- 
in-law as was to be ? Eclio answers nobody ; and I pause for a re- 
eponse ! 1 sliall put it down "Admitted to be the body of Dr. 
Plummer." [_So writes.'] 

Enter Sir William P., aside, L. to R. 

Sir W. How unfortunate I missed the road and my hand so 
hurt. But I was anxious to watch the dear boy. 
Holds uj) hind and Cannes down. 

G. G. [<S'ees him.] Aha ! The other stranger. Who'd a thought 
it ; and the re.-pectable one — airest him. 

C. O-R. Blood and thunder that's the man— look at his hand. 
Tkcy seize him. 

Sir W. What does this mean ? Take care my arm. I fell and 
cut it. 

\st Neighbor. Fell and cut it! 

iliey shake lieads and murmur. 

G. G. Gammon. Kelcmse the tiist one. Here's the murderer. 
The genuine one. He has tlie co/yse dcUciti in his hand. How it 
bleeds. Tliis is the original, niuululterated murderer. 
Tliey scat him. 

Sir W. Now, then ! Who is this ? What is this ? What do you 
mean ? 

G. G. This is an inquisition, sir. 

Sir IF., smiling. I should think so. Do you have t6rtures ? 

C. O'B. Ivtd hot ones ! Finci'rs to tlie neck. [Hubs his arm.] 

G. G. A GRAND inquisitiou. I am the coroner. [ With dignity.] 



A coronkr's inquisition. 15 

Sir W. Indeed ? And what'a the matter ? 

O. O'R. How innocent ! as \i you didn't know. 

Sir W. Who's dead? 

G. G. Sir, my future son-in-law ; a friend to science — a bright 
ornament to the professlou, the best eurt^eon in the kingdom. 

Sir W. What do I hear? Can it be Frank ? Where? 

C. 0'R.,or(iloricaUi/. II.-TO, sir. [Points to hi g.'] IJehold all that re- 
mains ot Frank Plummcr, M.D.. and who would have been F.R.S., 
[lirpt rate son-in-law] had he lived. [^Wlmpers as Sir W. stoops to 
examine.'] Be cautious. I'll be your couns-el. Don't commit yourself. 
G. G. is icriLing, as all examine body. 

G. G., tcriliny. [Aside.] '' Says he'll be Frank, and cut his arm a- 
doing it." What a horrid world we live in ! Who'd a thought it ? 
Uy this, Sir W. has arisen from examining the body, and the crowd unclose. 

To Sir W. There, my line murderer : what do you think of the 
horrid work of your mysterious himd, yet gory with the innocent 
blood of that marlyr to science ? Why, he's pulled half the teeth of 
the parish in six months, and given all the work-house children the 
small pox in their arms. Alas that he is no more ! He described 
horses, too, like a veteran surgeon. 

Sir W. My worthy friend. I made your acquaintance this morning 
at the London station. You were afraid — half crazy — called this 
respectable gentleman, [pointing to C. O'R.] 

(J. O'R. Respectable gentleman, thankee! 

Sir W. A garroter ! 

G. G. I was mistaken. — That's all. [^Yarmly.] 

Sir W. And are now. That's no doctor — it's a poor, half-starved 
man — a cadaver. 

C. O'R. A what? 

G.G. Humbug and gibberish! None of your murderous lies to 
me. I'm coroner. 

Nei(jlihors. Aye, aye ! Respect the law. 

6r. G.. to C. OR. Here, Mr. Lawyer, 1 swear you in as clerk. This 
grows interesting. Sit down. 

C. OR. sits down, and so does Sir W., smiling s:irca4ically . 
Now write. Put down that the new prisoner — you're the old one, 

you know — says the body of Dr. Frank Plummer is a , a . 

What's the slanderer's word ? You ought to be ashamed of yourself 
to slander the dead. 

Sir W. A ctid;iver, you blundering fool. 

Cr. G. Death and fuiy I liul I must be mild. I am not a gentle- 
man whilst I am coroner. [A^ide] 

C. OR. A key-diih-ver., [ Writes.] All right. 

6r. G. Confesses it's a dah-vcr, which is, I'll be sworn. Botany Bay 
for dagger. 

a O'R. whispers to G. G. 

Right — my clerk says we are super v'lsium corporis. 



16 A coroner's inquisition. 

C. O'R Which means, in sight of the body. 

G. G. Silence. Doivt /know? Yes, that we are in the sight of 
every V)ody ; and you ought to know what has been done so far by us. 

Sir W. No occasion. 1 don't want to. 

G. G, But you shall. The law says you shall, and you must ! 
Now listen. [ Vr^ith scverili/.'] 

Sir W. Positively, this is amusing. [Aside.'] Well, if I must, I 
will. Go on, 'my fine muddler. 

G. G. to C O'R. Put down—'- fine muddler." 

C.O^R. That's down — muddler. Bedad, that smacks of punches. 

G. G. Now I'll read what has already been testified to. Here is 
the "Deposition of Simon Dobbs, Esq.'' 

Sir W. R. As fine a deposition as ever was penned, I'll be bound, 
since the days of Dogberry ! 

C. O^R. Treason to the coroner! I'll prove it out of Burn's Justice. 

G. G. What do you mean by your Dog — Berry. AV'as there a 
bloodhound in the case ? 

G. G. ii putting siff nature, Sfc. 

Sir }V. Burn ju'^tice, you mean ? Why, tbis is roasting it. 

G. G. There, sir, you hear your guilt from this. [Tiqjs deposition.'] 

Sir W. I hear nothing of the kind. 

C. O'R., aside, to G G. You can make certificate of that. Didn't 
he come in with his hand cut ? 

G. G., aloud. Of course. And ain't he the stranger? You were 
last in the Dr.'s company. 

Simon. L. With a letter. 

C. O'R. And money in it. 

Sir W. Ha ! you know, then ? You pried into it? 

G. G. Beautiful. Now they're both confessing. [Takes pen.] " Con- 
fesses they were together, and each had his letters and Ids money." 
To Jury, icho nod and murmur. 

Gentlemen, It's as clear as sunlight So I'll close the case, and 
charge you. 

Sir W., rising. Let me understand this burlesque. Tiie Doctor is 
missing, you say, and that cadaver, that old corpse there, is sup- 
posed to be him. 

G. G. Old corpse! Supposed to be him ? I tell you it is him. 
They've identified his very toe-nails. Men who have known him 
from his youth upwards, have svy-oiu to him, thus cut olf in the bloom 
— yes, Uooin, sir — of his existence, and my future son-in-law. 

'Sir W. Your future son iu law? 

G.G. Was to lie, had not your assassin's blow 

0. O'R. Capital ! Bravo ! What a dashing thought for an open- 
ing speech. 

G. G. How dare you be so noisy in the very presence of death? 
Where was I. Doljbins ? 

Dobbins of the Jury. " Assassin's blow?" 



A coroner's inquisition. 17 

G. G. Yos — your assassin's blow put a periodical to his existence! 

Sir W. Ha, ha ha ! 

C. O'R. This levity is shocking. 

G. G. Damnable ! 

A Voice. Hellish. 

G. G. Who's that ? I'll have him to know I'm able, as coroner, 
to do my own swearing. 

A Juror. It's Trembles. 

G. G. Tnrn Trembles out, and fine him £2 lO.s. [Trembles Jwsiledoff.] 

Sir W. We'll settle it to your own eatisfaction. Only give me my 
breakfast first, for which your nonsense has given me an appetite, — 
and then hang me afterwards. 

G. G., aside, Although coroner, I am still an inn-keeper. Mur- 
derers are always rich. [Aside.] Yes — go in. He can have break- 
fast. But let two men guard him. 

L. Exeunt (ico and Sir W. into house. 

G. G. Now what's to be done ? 

C. O'R. Charge the Jury ! Charge Gregory, charge — on Gregory, 
on, and so forth. 

G. G. Certainly — you are correct. That's according to Hoyle 
and Gunter. 

[N. B. — This can best be done impromj'tu, a la Burton. But for in- 
stance ;] 

Gentlemen of the Jury, This solemn finding of the body of Dr. 
Frank Plummer is an important epoch in the history of Sloppjttoa, 
and I, as coroner thereof, so charge you. A dark and mysterious 
murder has been committed with malice aforethought, and — and 

a OR. At the instigation of the devil 

G. G. And at the instigation of the devil — thankee — [as if to C. 
O^R.] liy cutting several of the carotid arteries about the lace, and 
an indeliiiite number of the jugular veins of yonder breathless and 
inanimate, cold, clay corpse, which has gone to the undiscovered 
country, from which no traveller who ever was born ever gets borne 
back. That he was murdered is painfully evident. The murder 
has all the features of a homicide, aUliough the corpse itself has 
got no features ; and I charge you that you can so find. lie was, 
undoubtedly, murdered whilst reading a letter with money in It, 
and then put into the bag in the corpse. 

Juror. If you please to excuse the interruption, sir, could it be 
suicide ? 

C. O'R. 'Sofelo de se in the case, decidedly. 

(i. (i. Of course not. — No fellow of the sea about it, and I'm sur- 
prised at the question — as if a corpse could cut itself to pieces iu 
that way, and then put itself into a bag, and tlien into a corpse. — 
No, gentlemen. [Getting excited] I charge you that this is as foul a 
murder as was ever committed, since the days when Cain killed 
Abel and fled into the land of Nod, and you may so find, by virtue 
of your oath. 



18 A coroner's inquisition. 

Fortunately, one great mystery is cleared up. — We have a man — a 
bloody-fingered man— in our midst, or was in our midst until he 
went to breakfast, just now, who did the deed. He attempts to de- 
ny that this is Dr. Frank Plummer, and laughs at it. Gentlemen of 
the Jury, I charge you, on your oaths, that this is evidence of guilt. 
Door opens and Mill;/ enters with a scream of delight followed by Sir W. 

Milly. 'Tis he. lie's coming down the road. Oh father, father, 
'tis he. [Jurors rise. 

G. G. My poor girl is mad ! 

Sir W. And if she was, it would be a case of inheritance from 
her father ! The poor dear \he is now holding her'\ has made an im- 
pression upon me, and is the image of my once dear child ! 

C. O'B. [ Who has run to the road.'] By the great Lord Mansfield 
himself, 'tis he. Hurrah! Hurrah! 

Miter Dr. Frank P. — Milly runs to eriibrace him. 

C. O^R. Your son-in-law returned. 

Dobbins to Juror. This be a great mistake. 

G. G. This is a swindle — an outrage — a mistake — a plot — it is 
treason to the Coroner — stand off, corpse-like mau. 

\_Thni are shaking hands ivith Dr. F. ivho is astonished. 

Dr. F. What ! why what was all this ? Mhy this gathering ? 

Milly. It means that we are all happy ! 

Dr. F. Have they heard the news of my fortune then ? [to C. 
O'R.] Have you told ? 

G.G.Happy? Miss M. ! Miss Griggs — daughter of a Coroner 
— how dare you say we are happy when we are all miserable. [To 
Dr. F.] IIow dare you, sir, be here alive when it's proved you are 
dead, mangled , murdered, with all your jugulars cut and found in a 
copse ? 

Sir W. There ; rny mysterious friend, didn't I tell you it was a 
cadaver. 

[Dr. F. has examined it."] 

Dr. F. I must oAvn up — this is a subject \rhich I dissected and 
concealed. I had hevn arrested for debt on my way back from the 
station, but it is paid thanks, to the postal services of this gentleman 
here. [7h CO'R.] 

C. O'R. The letter was all right, then! 

G. G. What a melancholy lie. It's all a lie. This is a dreadful 
conspiracy. 

Dr. F. Friends, I am rich, but at a great loss, my long lost and 
much loved uncle 

Sir W. Is not dead [coming forward.'] But here to greet you. 
Pardon me the little ruse. I sent a letter in advance and came to 
see its elfccl. But the fortune you can share. 

Dr. F. You, Sir William- -my uncle ! I rri, k. 

Sir W. Returned from India to greet you ! J ^'^^^ emOrace 



A coroner's inquisition. 19 

G. G, Frank, the nephew of a Baronet! — my dear son-in-law ! 
[Embraces hi/n.'] 

C. O'R. How familiar we all are. My dear Sir William — My 
dear Doctor. If there are any family settlements remember 
[Hands a carrf] 

G. G. Stop your impertinence. Hav'nt you got us all in a scrape 
with your ignorance of law ? 

Sir W. And ihis dear maid ? [To Milly.'] 

G. G. I give my consent. So ends the inquisition. According 
to all crowuer's law, if a body turns up alive in consequence of a 
jury sitting on it, the jury may be discharged without agreeing. 
[To audience.'] But I hope this jury will not go without agreeing to 
attend our Coroner's Inquest until further notice. 



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